Purple Spandex Super Heroes

Editor's Note: The following essay was emailed to me by a Christian comedian named Charles Marshall. This essay struck me as funny. You can check him out here

My vote for the lamest super hero of all time would have to go to the Phantom.

The Phantom lived in the jungle and didn’t have any super powers at all. Instead he had a purple Spandex costume and a gun, which might explain why he had to ply his trade in the jungle. A few natives might’ve been impressed with a purple man and his bang-stick but it certainly wasn’t going to cut it with the League of Justice.

I think his best chance of having a super power lay in the fact that he wore Spandex in a tropical climate. Odor like that could’ve felled an attacking tribe at about fifty paces. You would think that at some point he would’ve picked up a few clothing tips from Tarzan.

Nevertheless, it was probably the influence of those two guys that inspired me to become a super hero myself. Thus, one summer morning when I was about 9 years old I put on a mask, a cape, and my swimsuit and ran into the woods behind my house to begin my life as Jungle Boy.

I wish I were just kidding.

There I engaged in super hero-type activities such as climbing trees (very painful in a swimsuit) and running through the woods (also painful because of the abundance of briar patches). I also engaged in other super hero activities such as spying on the neighbors in search of crime and practicing throwing sticks, which I thought might come in handy in case I encountered any bad
guys.

Rumors soon abounded in my neighborhood about a skinny, albino monkey that had apparently escaped from the local zoo and was now terrorizing the local woods. While vigilante teams were organized, debate raged from yard to yard about whether the monkey should be shot on sight or whether an effort should be made to capture the poor beast.

So, after skulking around in the woods for a couple of days, I decided that my neighborhood was crime-free and it was time to hang up my cape, lest I find myself dead or locked up at the zoo.

I then turned my attention to the creation of my own comic book. The hero of my story was the intrepid Tornado Man, whose archenemy was the Gas Wizard. In addition to the more obvious problem of my villain’s name — whose super powers were not what you might suspect — was the problem that he was just way cooler than Tornado Man.

Tornado Man looked something like an inverted traffic cone and only had one super power. He could spin around really, really fast. That’s it. Nothing else. Just spinning around really, really fast. But in defense of Tornado Man and his creator, you need to understand that we’re talking about really, really fast spinning here.

The Gas Wizard, on the other hand, was wispy and stylish. He could fly and possessed a vast arsenal of poisonous gases that he used for sundry evil purposes.

In my debut (and final) comic book edition, the Gas Wizard used his paralyzing gas to, well, paralyze Tornado Man, but Tornado Man was able to free himself by spinning around really, really fast.

In a dramatic final battle sequence, Tornado Man dissolved the Gas Wizard by, you guessed it, spinning around really, really fast.

You can see why Tornado Man never made it to a second issue. There just didn’t seem to be that much to him. He may just as well have been running around in the woods wearing a swimsuit and cape.

The problem with real-life heroes is that they aren’t easily identified. They are never the flashy types you would see on the silver screen or in a comic book.

Take Jesus, for example. He was nothing like anyone expected. The Bible says, “He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him, nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.” Isa. 53:2B (NIV)

His life was anything but glamorous. He came in the form of a baby in a manger and died as an accused criminal on a cross.

I find it encouraging that in God’s eyes the measure of a hero isn’t looks, ability, or strength, but simply the willingness to follow him in obedience, wherever that path might lead.

Unfortunately, I can’t spend any more time exploring this subject because I’ve got to do a load of laundry. I’ve had my Spandex costume on for about a week now and it’s starting to crackle when I walk.

In the meantime, look for me in the woods behind your neighborhood. Jungle Boy lives!